


Healing Love

by Nadja_Lee



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Has Self-Worth Issues, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Parent Valentine Morgenstern, Comfort, Declarations Of Love, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotionally Hurt Alec Lightwood, Emotionally hurt Jace Wayland, First Love, Fluff, Forgiveness, Good Parabatai Jace Wayland, Guilt, Happy Ending, Healing, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Sex, Insecure Alec Lightwood, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Moving On, Parabarai love, Parabatai Bond, Post-Episode: s02e08 Love is a Devil, Protective Alec Lightwood, Protective Jace Wayland, Referenced Suicide Attempt, References to Depression, Romance, Romantic Fluff, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Reflection, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Virgin Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:07:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28908315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nadja_Lee/pseuds/Nadja_Lee
Summary: After Alec killed Jocelyn while possessed by a demon he spirals into self-destruction, pushing everyone away. When Alec tries to kill himself at Max’s rune ceremony, Jace realizes he loves him and sets out to save Alec from himself, not realizing till much later that in doing so Alec saves him right back.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood/Jace Wayland
Comments: 14
Kudos: 213





	Healing Love

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jessa](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessa/gifts).



> For Jessa. Thanks so much for the amazing artwork for my birthday done for Polars story. So lovely!  
> I have tried to figure out what Jessa likes in a story to gift her something she will truly love. My understanding was h/c with a happy ending. I am so sorry this took so long to finish. But I really hope you will enjoy this gift, Jessa.  
> Thanks so much to my amazing beta readers as always: Cindy and Monochromatize.  
> Thanks so much to Regina Danica for the great story banner and art.  
> Story warnings: Referenced child abuse, referenced self-harm (overtraining and not healing injuries so canon for Alec). Mention of Alec trying to kill himself (but that's canon). Meantion of demon possession and Jocelyn being killed (also canon). Guilt. Angst. References to homophobia. References to canon events like Jace being beated on Valentine's ship, Jace agreeing partly with Valentine, Jace thinking he was in love with his own sister (Clary), Jace believing Valentine about everything, Jace killing Downworlders by activiating the sword due to trusting Valentine's words about his blood. Has a happy ending, fluff and healing.

_Please read the chapter notes for detailed warnings_

# Healing Love

It hadn’t been a great few months for Jace or Alec. On his part Jace had found a woman he thought he loved, Clary, only to discover his father was alive and actually Valentine who was also Clary’s father, meaning he was in love with his own sister. He had had some low points in his life, but dealing with the self-loathing that had followed him thinking he had actually desired his own sister…that had been the worst to date.

In his eagerness to have a family and please the father he had never really had, he had gone with Valentine to his ship where Valentine had told him he had demon blood. He couldn’t really explain why he had gone with Valentine instead of trying to fight his way out with Alec. Normally he had full faith in Alec and his skills, and he wouldn’t have hesitated. There had been a need, a desire in him to try and connect with his father, something that had overshadowed his reasoning and logic. He had known what kind of man Valentine was and that he wouldn’t let him disobey without punishment. The beating for disobeying Valentine that he had delivered while he had been with him on the ship had brought that reminder home clear as day. However, while Valentine certainly knew how to get his people to discipline him – or discipline his own men or the captured Downworlders for that matter – that pain had been temporary and well-known. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how to take a beating. Physical punishment was basically in the Nephilim parenting manual. However, what kept lingering in Jace’s mind had been the times Valentine had been nice to him. It is always easier to hate a parent if they had consistently mean to you, but a mixture of push and pull, cruelty and kindness…that makes it much more difficult.

Staying with Valentine Jace had started more and more to see his point of view. Jocelyn, his supposed mother, trying to kill him had only driven him further towards Valentine and his ideas, not to mention the knowledge that the Clave had already damned him on the knowledge he was Valentine’s son and nothing more. Why not do the crime if you were already destined to do the time?

However, Jace’s hatred and confusion had lifted at once when Alec had almost killed himself to find him and get him back. It had made Jace realize he had to escape and get back to his parabatai no matter the cost. Seeing Alec almost dying had cemented to Jace just how important he was to him. In the haze of confusion and frustration Valentine’s reappearance had given him then that fact brought him focus, strength and comfort. Reflecting on it then being near Alec had always soothed him, body and soul. It was as true now as the first night he had met Alec and he had comforted him during a nightmare. Since that night Alec had shown Jace that he would always protect him, as he he did with his siblings. At first Jace had been suspicious of such blatant care, but with time he had come to expect it and rely on it. In hindsight maybe a bit too much as he hadn’t considered just how hurt Alec had been by his instant obsession with Clary. If he could redo his choices now, he would never had done that to Alec nor would he have gone with Valentine. Instead he would have trusted that together with Alec they could resolve this as they did with everything else. Sadly, only hindsight was 20/20.

Jace had had to admit while holding the Soul Sword during his trial that he did in fact partly agree with Valentine when it came to the demon-blooded and Downworlders. He knew it wasn’t like the majority of Idris didn’t feel the same, but it bothered him. Maybe more after seeing Alec kiss Magnus at his supposed wedding. Alec clearly didn’t feel or think like that in any way and Jace envied him that clarity. Afterwards, Jace had had to fight his feelings of guilt and self-loathing of but only thinking he had been into his own sister but realizing at least some part of him agreed with Valentine. Both facts were frankly greatly disturbing.

The attack on the Institute had freed him, but only Alec and Izzy treated him the same as before. Others seemed suspicious and vary of him, even though Jace knew it was hypocrisy as most of them couldn’t care less for any Downworlder and there were more than a few silent Circle supporters at every Institute.

When Valentine attacked to get the Soul Sword back, he had activated the Sword, thinking he would help and ready to die by doing so. In fact, going out in a blaze of glory was an easy choice. All Nephilim had been taught since birth to sacrifice when needed, whatever was needed, including their own life. Staying and sorting everything out was harder.

However, Jace hadn’t died. Instead, he had killed several Downworlders as it turned out he was neither Valentine’s son nor did he have demon-blood. It was one thing to carry the blame for the dead Downworlders, but Jace’s guilt at having foolishly believed Valentine again and again without proof was worse. He wasn’t even sure why he had believed him so readily; he wasn’t normally a trusting man. Maybe because Valentine was the man who had raised him, maybe it was because he needed a reason for the fact, he did agree with some of the things Valentine had said. Blaming his blood seemed an easy solution instead of addressing his hidden issues.

For a while after that Jace had been so busy blaming himself, hating himself, that he had missed Alec’s pain, overlooked it. Alec had always been good at hiding his own grief and anguish, busy tending to everyone else’s pain and making others’ miss his.

Jace had drowned his grief and guilt, bitterness, and self-loathing the same way he always had as he had gotten older. He put on a cocky front, he went to bars, got drunk and fucked any pretty woman he met, trying to forget, seeking oblivion, pursuing some peace in the short reprieve from the pain in his soul. It had continued like that over and over, with Alec trying to interfere more and more, sometimes several times a day, and even Izzy tried to reach him repeatedly despite not having the parabatai bond to tell he was faking his ‘I’m ok’ attitude. However, there had been nothing stopping his downward spiral. Not until he had finally seen, really seen, Alec, and paid attention to the pain he was dealing with.

When Alec had almost killed himself on Magnus’ balcony during Max’s rune ceremony Jace had realized the guilt Alec had been carrying around after he had killed Jocelyn while possessed by a demon. Seeing Alec ready to kill himself, in fact he would have killed himself if Magnus had not stopped him, had shaken Jace out of his own depression. It had been like a bucket of cold water on his soul seeing Alec so low, so depressed that he was ready to die. He had sobered up at once, his senses sharp and alert, his own pain dampened instantly. The traumatic memory of seeing Alec take that step and jump to his death, knowing he couldn’t save him, had haunted Jace in every waking and sleeping moments. He hadn’t saved Alec; Magnus had. He hadn’t been there to save him. Faced with losing Alec had made Jace realize something he might have known deep down all along but had never acknowledged. He didn’t want to live without Alec. He wanted Alec. He loved Alec. Loved him for real. As more than a parabatai. He wanted to make love to him, to be buried deep inside him. He wanted Alec as his in all ways. His heart, soul, and body… _his_. Always. And Jace tended to get what he wanted, and he was not about to make exceptions now.

Having realized this Jace focused on investigating parabatai bondings and he focused on Alec. Seeing just how badly Alec was hurting inside Jace could now easily locate that echoed agony from Alec in their bond despite him clearly trying to hide it. Paying attention now that he was no longer focused on his own pain, now that he was able to move past himself and his own hurt by worrying about Alec, Jace saw the signs of Alec’s pain as clear as day. How he pushed people away, started to overtrain, ate extraordinarily little, slept even less, fought with people…it all came to a head when Alec and Magnus had a fight that ended with Alec moving out of Magnus’ loft and back into the Institute, Jace moving back in next to him after having been living at Magnus’ loft with Alec for a while.

Magnus remained a close friend to both Alec and Jace, but Alec started avoiding him and pushing him away. Instead, Magnus’ friendship with Jace deepened as they started to speak often about their shared worry for Alec as the weeks dragged on. Alec isolated himself more and more and Jace could feel in the bond that he was hurting himself more often and more severely. Normally when Alec overtrained or didn’t heal injuries or came up with other ways to hurt himself, whatever he did was still mild enough that Alec could hide the pain in the bond. However, he was no longer able to do that now. The pain was too deep and too often, physically, and emotionally.

Jace had tried reaching out to Alec several times but so far Alec had refused to talk to him. He was professional but cold in public, ignoring the whispers and taunts that him being the only openly gay Shadowhunter at the Institute brought him. While things hadn’t improved for Alec in regard to how he was treated since he had come out, even now after the breakup with Magnus, then they had for Jace. With the knowledge he wasn’t Valentine’s son and that he had pure Angel-blood he was back to holding a privileged and respected position among the men. It had helped his case tremendously that it had been revealed he was in fact a Herondale, close to Idris royalty. This time a change of last name was easy as it brought comfort and privilege, respect, and power. Change was always easy when it was for the better.

Alec took the way he was treated in strike like he always did when it came to pain. He was almost stoic, calculated, and to the point while in public, making him seem unflinching in the face of the not so subtle bullying. This fact made Jace proud yet also sad that Alec had to endure it. Jace knew Alec was affected by how poorly he was treated, but he never showed it. Together with Izzy, Jace did whatever he could to protect Alec and make it clear he was off limits but it was impossible to stop everyone.

Jace had tried giving Alec space and come seek out his advice and comfort in his own time and pace. He had asked him multiple times if he wanted to talk. However, Alec had never talked to him about anything, not even about his breakup with Magnus even though his pain at the loss was like a black hole of misery surrounding him. Jace had then tried to tell Alec a bit about his own pain and as always with Alec he readily listened and comforted, but whenever Jace tried to use that as his opening to talk to Alec about himself he got nothing out of the older boy.

It had been almost two months now since Alec and Magnus had broken up, making it four months Since Jocelyn had been killed. Jace’s patience was wearing thin. It was clear to him that Alec’s pain was not going to get healed with time. In fact, he seemed almost more depressed and lonelier than when it had first started.

It was late evening and Jace could feel in the bond that Alec was again in one of the training rooms, punishing himself. Jace could always tell when Alec hurt himself by overtraining if he didn’t manage to stop in time. He wouldn’t feel anything in the bond at first but after a while as Alec kept training his control of the bond would start to slip and more and more flashes of pain would come through. Jace had tried to ignore it, tossing, and turning in bed. However, a particularly strong jab of echoed pain from Alec had Jace sitting up in bed, frowning in worry and annoyance. Enough was enough!

Jace quickly dressed in loose pants, a t-shirt, and a shirt with a zipper down the front. He walked purposely towards the training room he could feel Alec was in. Given the late hour Jace didn’t meet anyone on his walk there. As expected, he found the training room empty save for Alec and a punching bag. Alec was shirtless, his hair sweaty as well as his torso, his once white bandages around his hands bloodied from how hard he was hitting the bag. As Jace got closer he could tell Alec’s knuckles were bruised and there might even be a broken bone or two.

Jace could feel Alec knew it was him and that he was there. He could sense it in the bond and see it in how Alec stood up straighter. However, he ignored him and kept hitting the punching bag full on, ignoring the waves of pain every time his abused chuckles hit the bag.

“Alec, can we talk?” Jace asked as calmly as he could, looking intensely at Alec as he came to a stop next to the punching bag.

Alec shook his head, not looking at him as he continued to hit the bag, “Later.”

Seeing Alec’s injuries and feeling them in the bond had Jace’s temper flare.

“No. Now!” Jace insisted strongly.

Jace caught Alec’s upper right arm in an iron grip, pulling him a bit back from the punching bag, preventing him from hitting it again.

Alec looked shocked at first, then he pointedly looked at Jace’s hand on his arm and tore himself free. Jace could have held on, if he had activated his runes Alec would not have been able to pull back. However, he released him, hoping Alec would stop without being forced to.

“Later, Jace,” Alec said tensely, not looking at him as he spoke, changing his position so he was ready to continue punching the bag.

“No,” Jace insisted, stepping between Alec and the punching bag, earning him an annoyed look from Alec that he blatantly ignored. “I’m tired of waiting for you to be ready to talk to me.”

Alec sighed and lowered his hands.

“I don’t want to talk,” Alec replied, his voice filled with tension.

“You do remember we’re parabatai, right?” Jace asked angrily. He waved a hand towards Alec’s bruised and bleeding knuckles. “I can feel the echoes of your pain. The emotional pain is hard enough…But it’s getting worse, this thing of yours to hurt yourself.”

Alec paled a bit at the reminder.

“I don’t…” Alec tried to deny, his cheeks red with shame.

“Are you going to lie now, too?” Jace challenged, his worry making his anger flare.

Before Alec could reply to that Jace closed a hand around Alec’s right wrist, holding it almost painfully tight. With his other hand he took one of Alec’s bruised fingers and squeezed, sending waves of pain through Alec for a second, making Alec stop whatever he was about to say. Their eyes met, filled with pain and despair.

Jace released him and his expression softened as he said frustrated, nodding towards the finger he had squeezed, “That one is even broken.”

“I’m fine,” Alec insisted in a tight voice, but the lie was obvious to them both.

Jace sighed before he said almost frantically, “Alec, this _has_ to stop.”

“You’re one to talk,” Alec gave back, his eyes ablaze with pain, making his voice sharp.

“I know I didn’t handle my own issues well either, but this is about you now,” Jace insisted, not letting himself be baited into turning the conversation away from Alec.

His words made Jace realize he actually hadn’t thought about his own issues since Alec’s suicide attempt, his whole focus on Alec. He hadn’t gotten drunk or had sex with strangers or anything like that since then. Sure, he still drank almost daily to feel a pleasant buzz, but he wasn’t more or less constantly drunk whenever he wasn’t on duty as he had been before, nor did he feel a constant pain, sadness or depression. It wasn’t that his issues had disappeared, but they were no longer weighing him down. He had accepted he had made mistakes. Mistakes that couldn’t be corrected. However, he could help Alec. Magnus had saved him that day on the balcony and given Jace a second chance, a possibility to change things with Alec, to change what could otherwise have been a fatal outcome for him. He wasn’t going to miss this chance.

Alec shook his head, pulling a bit back from him, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

“Jace, stop it,” Alec begged, sounding desperate, avoiding his eyes.

“Alec, please. I want to help. You can’t keep doing this to yourself,” Jace maintained, his voice as desperate and pleading as Alec’s.

For a moment Jace thought Alec would give in and talk to him. He seemed like he wanted to, his eyes seeking reassurance and help, his face etched with lines of pain. But then his shields were back up.

“Don’t you have something to do with Clary?” Alec asked sarcastically, giving him a dismissive look, clearly trying to make him leave so he could return to what he had been doing. “Chasing after her like a lost puppy perhaps?”

Jace was completely unfazed by his words, knowing what Alec was doing. He knew Alec too well for that trick to work on him.

Jace looked at him through narrowed eyes as he warned, “Alec, stop pushing me away.”

For a moment Alec seemed set to argue. Then he drew a deep breath and the anger faded from his expression.

“Sorry,” Alec mumbled flustered, looking down. “I…I have to go,” he got out, stuttering nervously as he quickly turned on his heels and walked towards the door.

“Alec!” Jace yelled after him. However, his voice only made Alec pick up pace.

Jace watched Alec flee from the room with a worried frown. He waited for a few seconds before following, letting Alec try and calm down a bit first. He was sure he knew where he had gone, and he was right. As soon as Jace exited to the roof of the Institute he found him there. Alec was standing by the edge, looking out over the railing. Jace fought the instinctive fear seeing Alec on a high place, so close to the edge, brought him after he had seen him jump to his death from Magnus’ balcony.

Alec tensed when Jace walked up next to him but didn’t turn to look at him, his gaze fixed on the faraway horizon and the lights from the city.

“I thought I would find you up here,” Jace remarked, trying to keep a light tone.

“Go away,” Alec ordered, his voice cold and dismissive but Jace could hear the pain and agony so clearly underneath it that it was like Alec had held up a sign.

Jace shook his head, looking out over the city as well as he replied quietly but strongly, “No.”

“Fine!” Alec said angrily, giving Jace an annoyed look. He turned towards the door, about to walk back inside again as he added coldly, “I’ll leave then.”

Jace used his newfound angelic powers to activate his runes and with lightning speed he was between Alec and the door down off the roof, blocking his retreat. Alec’s expression went from surprise to frustration at seeing his path blocked.

“No, you won’t,” Jace said firmly, crossing his arms over his chest.

“Move, Jace,” Alec demanded tensely, giving him a look that could melt glass.

Jace shook his head, his whole body and expression unmoving and unwavering, “No.”

“Move,” Alec repeated more forcefully. “Now.”

“Or what?” Jace challenged.

“Fine!” Alec yelled annoyed, rolling his eyes at him. He turned around and walked further out on to the roof, away from Jace and the door.

“Stay over there then,” Alec ordered, waving a hand at him.

“Are we seriously dividing the roof now?!” Jace asked after him, expatiated, his eyes on Alec’s retreating back.

Alec turned to face him, about to give an angry comeback.

“I…” Alec started to say, his voice biting.

Then suddenly as he watched Jace up here with him in the middle of the night fighting over what half of the roof they could have….it all seemed so ridiculous. His anger disappeared like mist for the sun. He started to laugh and when first he started, he couldn’t stop. It was borderline hysterical but liberating, almost freeing. He hadn’t laughed in months.

Alec’s laughter was contagious. It was like a bomb going off. All their pinned-up emotions, everything. It all just came out. Jace started to laugh as well, finding relief in it like Alec did.

“Are we arguing over who gets what side of the roof to mope around on?” Jace asked when he was able to speak from laughter, still smiling.

Alec fought to control another laughing fit that wanted to rise, needing the release even if the words had not even been that funny.

“I think we are,” Alec agreed, unable to stop a wide smile from spreading over his lips.

Jace chuckled before he concluded with a hint of dark humor, “We’re insane.”

Alec fought another smile as he nodded and said, “A little bit, yes.”

Their laughter died away, but it left them both feeling lighter, more at peace.

“It’s good to hear you laugh. You haven’t done that in ages,” Jace admitted, giving Alec a fond smile.

“I haven’t had much to laugh about,” Alec admitted bleakly.

Hoping this was his moment, his opening, finally, Jace decided to talk about what he had wanted to talk about for a while now. He crossed the distance to Alec, smiling gently at him, happy when Alec gave a small smile back. Jace turned to watch the city and Alec did likewise. For a moment they stood there in comfortable silence. Then Jace turned to look at Alec’s profile, making him turn to give him a questioning look.

“When I saw you up on that roof, when I saw you jump…” Jace’s voice died away, his eyes filled with pain and grief.

Jace did not need to add more details. Alec knew what he meant. He tensed and looked away, embarrassed.

“It was the spell,” Alec insisted but it sounded hollow even to his own ears.

“Not all of it. Jumping then and there; yes. But the wish to die….” Jace reminded him softly, agonized. He paused before he went on in a worried tone, “This isn’t like dying in battle or any other sacrifice we as Nephilim have been taught to make for the greater good. This was about your pain. That was you, Alec.”

Alec couldn’t bear Jace’s sympathy, so he looked out over the city again.

“Don’t,” Alec begged softly, agonized.

It would be so easy to stop, to not talk about it, to take the easy path. Again. However, that was what they had been doing for months now and it had only brought them here. Jace’s eyes fell on Alec’s wounded hands and he knew he had to reach Alec somehow.

“Look, not talking about it is not working,” Jace said firmly, leaving no room for argument, giving Alec a meaningful look.

“Well, maybe I am just not that strong. We can’t all be pure blooded Herondales who are the best warrior for generations, now can we?” Alec asked darkly, sarcastically, lashing out to wound as he was wounded.

“That was a low blow,” Jace said quietly, looking at Alec through narrowed eyes.

Alec looked down for moment, his cheeks heating up, fully aware of everything Jace had endured to reach the privileged position he had now.

“Yeah,” Alec admitted lowly, biting his lower lip till it bled. He looked Jace in the eyes as he added honestly, “Sorry.”

Jace hesitated but when he reminded himself of how much Alec was hurting, he easily let it go and instead gave Alec’s nearest arm a warm squeeze.

“It’s ok,” Jace said softly.

They stood in silence for a few minutes, watching the city, gathering their courage.

“I’m sorry I have been such an ass lately,” Alec admitted finally, turning to look at Jace, trying to send him a reassuring smile.

“I wasn’t much better for quite a while,” Jace admitted, giving him an apologetic smile.

“Sure, you were,” Alec insisted strongly.

“Because getting pissed drunk every night and fucking random women I just met is a very healthy way of dealing with guilt,” Jace remarked darkly, his voice dripping with sarcasm and self-loathing.

“You did nothing wrong!” Alec protested strongly. “Valentine tricked you.”

“But I should have known better!” Jace admitted, frustrated, as always finding it liberating and calming to talk with Alec about these things when first he managed to open up. He sighed before he added quietly, “That wasn’t even the first time he lied to me and yet I believed him.”

“You thought he was your father,” Alec insisted, giving Jace a sympathetic look.

“He played that role for 9 years! Nine! That’s all. I am not a child any longer,” Jace reminded him, angry with himself.

“You meant well,” Alec protested.

Jace couldn’t help but smile at Alec’s stubborn insistence on helping him.

“Don’t we all?” Jace remarked darkly, shrugging in defeat.

Alec gave his nearest arm a comforting squeeze. They stood in silence for a while, reflecting. Alec hesitated, fighting with himself. Finally, the words came that had been stuck in his throat for months now.

“I killed Clary’s mother, Jace. A woman I thought at that time was your mother too. I saw the blood on my hands,” Alec said quietly, his voice agonized, and his eyes filled with pain. He paused before he added softly, “I see it, I feel it on my hands, every night in my dreams.”

Feeling and seeing Alec’s distress and agony Jace put an arm around Alec’s shoulder and pulled him close for a moment, wanting to comfort him and remove the pain he saw on his face and felt in the bond.

“You didn’t mean to,” Jace said with certainty when he removed his arm again.

Alec nodded at that, giving a reassuring smile, but Jace could tell the words didn’t register with him at all.

“At first I didn’t remember,” Alec explained agonized as if he hadn’t spoken, his voice hoarse and pained. “But it came back little by little, more and more. I remember it all now. So clearly.”

Jace’s expression darkened with shared pain as he got out, “I’m sorry you had to endure that.”

Alec took a deep breath, unable to stop explaining it now that he had started. This was his dark secret and he had a need to share, to show Jace what a horrible person he was so he could leave him as he had known he would, expected him to do, feared he would do. Alec looked out over the city as he went on, unable to look at Jace when the hatred and contempt appeared on his face like Alec was sure it would. Alec had always felt Jace was so strong, so much better than him. What Alec had never realized was that he had always been the one saving Jace in all ways that mattered, this time as well.

“I was taunting her, you know. Enjoying her pain. Cutting her up piece by piece. It was personal, bloody. Brutal. Sadistic,” Alec said in a low and pained voice, wanting Jace to know, wanting him to hate him for it, feeling he deserved it.

“It wasn’t you. It was the demon,” Jace insisted strongly.

The lack of contempt in Jace’s voice made Alec turn and look at him. He was stunned to see only affection and care on Jace’s face. However, Alec was sure it was only because he didn’t know it all. He took a deep breath and braced himself for what was to come, wanting him to know everything, wanting him to resent him for it, to share in his hatred for himself.

“I felt the joy of her pain. The thrill of the kill,” Alec told him, feeling a masochistic need to say it, for pushing till Jace finally _did_ hate him, did despise him.

“It wasn’t you,” Jace repeated firmly, shaking his head, sending the same reassurance and certainty through the bond.

“But it was,” Alec insisted. He paused before he went on in a dark tone filled with anger and self-hatred, “I wanted her dead, Jace. She tried to kill you when she thought you were her son. I wanted her dead. I wanted her to suffer. I had fantasized of avenging the pain she had given you, avenging her attempt on your life by making her suffer ever since she tried to kill you. Me. Alec. Not the demon. _Me_.”

Jace was stunned for a moment, having been unaware Alec had felt like that. However, he wasn’t shocked or horrified. He was flattered that Alec had felt like that.

“It’s ok. It’s normal to feel like that and…well, frankly I find it flattering that you care so much but then I should have known you would. You have always been very protective of me,” Jace told him softly, giving him an encouraging smile.

Alec shook his head in frustration, thinking Jace didn’t get it.

“Don’t you see? I’m a horrible person,” Alec insisted pained. He paused before he asked darkly, wanting to provoke Jace into hating him, leaving him as he was sure he would, “Did you feel those things when you touched the Soul Sword and those Downworlders died?”

Before Jace could reply Alec answered his own question, “Of course not! You felt dismay and horror. Guilt and pain.” He paused as he added softer, “Like a normal person would. Like a normal person should.”

“I killed so many,” Jace admitted, agonized.

“By mistake. From a distance. There was no bloodlust in you. No joy in it for you,” Alec reminded him in a certain and sympathetic tone.

Jace frowned, unsure where Alec was going with this. While that was true Jace had also not been possessed. His actions had been 100% his own. It was only Alec’s love that clouded his judgement and made him even consider that his own guilt – killing someone while possessed – was so much worse than Jace’s friendly fire episode. However, that didn’t help him figure out what to say to Alec to stop his spiraling.

“No but...”

“I felt her warm blood on my hands, Jace. I felt it. I felt the joy of torturing her. The demon enjoyed it,” Alec whispered pained, cutting him off. He paused before he admitted quietly, “ _I_ enjoyed it. This was everything my darkest fantasies wanted to see happen. I wanted her to hurt for hurting you. I wanted this to happen to her for trying to kill you. I wanted that. I dreamed of that. _Me_.”

For a moment Jace was silent, unsure how to respond to that. Alec was right. He didn’t know what that was like, enjoying killing someone slowly like that, for no reason but for the thrill of the kill. To feel the demon’s feelings but adding that to Alec’s own desire to see her die in a way just like this for hurting him. Jace knew Alec would never have acted on his fantasy to see Jocelyn hurt or dead in retaliation for trying to kill him, but Jace understood that in Alec’s mind it was now mixing together – the demon’s actions and feelings and his own fantasies and feelings. His dark fantasy having become reality, a reality that came into being with his own hands no less.

“Alec…” Jace started to say softly, sympathetically but was cut off again.

“I feel sick with myself, Jace. Disgusted,” Alec told him, his voice grieved and his eyes piercing.

“Acting like that, actually carrying out that deed…it was the demon,” Jace said strongly, in no doubt about that.

Alec sighed, pain and agony painted on his face.

“I know that,” Alec admitted quietly. “Logically I know it.”

“But you don’t feel it?” Jace guessed insightfully, giving Alec a sympathetic look, knowing precisely what he meant.

“Do you feel it?” Alec gave back, giving Jace a searching look. “When I say you shouldn’t blame yourself for believing Valentine?”

“No. I should have known better,” Jace maintained stubbornly.

“So, there we are,” Alec remarked with a sigh.

Jace nodded slowly, seeing his point. None of them could see the light and forgiveness the other saw when it came to themselves but instantly when it came to each other.

“Out here on the roof again,” Jace added, waving at their surroundings.

“Yeah,” Alec agreed, nodding.

They stood in silence again, watching the city lights until Jace noticed Alec was shivering slightly. The night air was warm, but Alec was still bare chested. Jace unzipped his shirt and took it off, putting it around Alec’s shoulders.

“Better?” Jace asked softly, giving him a warm smile.

“Yeah,” Alec admitted, blushing at the gesture, and smiling shyly at him.

They watched the city for a little while longer, lost in warm thoughts for the first time in ages. Alec moved his nearest hand closer to Jace’s on the railing and Jace did likewise. Finally, their hands were so close their pinkies were touching. After a few moments Jace decided to make his move and he took Alec’s hand, making Alec give him a surprised look.

“Can I heal this?” Jace asked softly, nodding towards Alec’s hand in his.

Alec nodded, a lump in his throat at his hand being held so tenderly. Jace took out his steele from his pants pocket and quickly drew an iratze on the hand he was holding. He then took Alec’s other hand in his and did the same.

“There,” Jace said softly, their eyes meeting and holding.

“Thanks,” Alec got out, fighting a blush as Jace kept holding his hand, his thump softly stroking his now healed skin.

Jace held Alec’s hand for a few moments longer than was necessarily but shorter than he wanted to. After Jace had let go of his hand they just looked at each other, the air filled with unspoken emotions, their bond humming between them.

“Do you still love Magnus?” Jace asked suddenly, breaking the silence, needing to know before he did anything else as Magnus was a friend and Alec was so much more.

“A part of me will always love him. He was my first kiss,” Alec admitted honestly after a few moments of reflection.

Jace felt relived at hearing that. Past tense was good. Something else caught his attention though….

“Just kiss?” Jace couldn’t help but ask.

Alec blushed but nodded, “Everything happened so fast so yes.”

Jace felt that possessive side of himself he had never really let Alec see want to cheer. When Jace had realized he loved Alec sexually he had fantasized about being Alec’s first, about being inside of him as Alec’s first and his last lover, his one and only. However, he had always thought it would never be more than a fantasy as he assumed Magnus would have been Alec’s first and he had been just those few months too late for that. Knowing he wasn’t too late was making him smile inwardly, hoping that meant he wasn’t too late in general. Wasn’t too late when it came to acting on his feelings.

Jace had to take a deep breath to stop himself from voicing how happy he was to hear that, not wanting to scare Alec away.

“I will always be indebted to him for saving your life, that day on the rooftop in particular, and letting me stay for a while at his loft,” Jace said instead, his voice honest and warm for the Warlock who had become a close friend.

Alec nodded at that, smiling fondly when thinking of the Warlock.

“Now, as the pain lessens a bit at having lost something that I never had to start with…I think we are better as friends,” Alec admitted reflectively.

“Hmm,” Jace just replied, deciding that wasn’t up to him to judge.

Alec gave Jace a searching look, unsure why he had asked.

“How about you and Clary? Have you finally asked her out now that you know she’s not your sister?” Alec asked, trying hard to sound supportive but there was something dark in his voice that Jace noticed at once.

Was Alec jealous? Jace thought he sensed that in the bond and heard it on his voice, but Alec was quick to cover it up. However, considering Jace knew Alec had had a crush on him since they had been teenagers, he guessed Alec had gotten pretty good at shielding his feelings. The question was if those feelings were still there? Did Alec still have a crush on him? Was he still in love with him?

“No,” Jace admitted. “I thought of her as my sister for so long it is not something I can turn off again. It’s better this way.”

“Oh?” Alec got out, clearly fighting not to show how happy that made him which Jace found adorable and made him hopeful.

Jace nodded as he smiled, “Yes.”

“Ok,” Alec added lamely, unsure what else to say.

Jace thought he felt a sense of relief from Alec at that and he decided to take the chance.

“An unexpected advantage of my new last name is that I have access to all the confidential Clave records,” Jace revealed, giving Alec a searching look to see what he thought of it.

“Ok,” Alec replied curiously, confused by the odd change in topic.

“Guess what I found out?” Jace didn’t give Alec time to reply before he disclosed in a triumphant tone, “There is no parabatai curse. It was made up hundreds of years ago to ensure parabatai stayed loyal to the Clave first and foremost and not to each other.”

“So parabatai can be lovers?” Alec asked, trying to hide his joy at hearing that, knowing it didn’t matter anyway as Jace would never love him like that. Not before and certainly not after what he had just revealed to him.

Jace grinned happily and nodded, “Yes.” He looked closely for Alec’s reaction as he added, “And my grandmother is going to have this fact revealed and the law changed.”

Alec was shocked for a moment. Parabatai could be openly together?! Sounded like Heaven…if Jace had ever felt what he did but Alec had seen him with so many women he had lost count by now so that was not gonna happen.

“That’s…nice,” Alec said lamely, unsure what else to say.

Jace was unsure how to read Alec’s reaction, hoping he was reading the signals correctly.

“Alec?” Jace asked softly, a hint of hesitation and fear of rejection in his voice.

Alec gave him an encouraging look as he asked, “Yeah?”

“Are you still in love with me?” Jace asked gently, quietly, fighting down his fear and worry.

This was the most important question Jace had ever asked in his life; his happiness depended on the answer and waiting for Alec to reply was excruciating.

For a moment Alec just looked at Jace, thinking he had heard him wrong.

“What?!” Alec asked shocked.

“Be honest for once about this and tell me,” Jace asked, begged, or demanded. It seemed one and the same but his need and desperation for an answer was clear all the same.

Alec visibly struggled with himself. He had kept this secret for years. For so long it had become a part of him. However, Jace’s need for an honest answer was clear in the bond and his tone.

“Yes. Ok? Yes,” Alec replied, frustration and fear shining through in his reply, expecting scorn and rejection in return.

Jace started to smile in joy but Alec misread it as glee.

Alec gave him a look that was more pain than the strength he wanted it to be as he added, his voice filled with surrender and hopelessness, “So go ahead and hate me now. Everyone else does.”

Jace drew a bit back as if struck, shaking his head at him.

“Alec, no one hates you except yourself and certainly not me,” Jace said firmly, sympathetically, tenderly.

“What?” Alec asked, confused, unsure he had heard him right. He gave Jace a piercing look as he added in a tone filled with his disbelief, “Really?”

“Really,” Jace confirmed strongly, nodding.

“But…my feelings for you…I lied to you for years about it,” Alec reminded him, stubborn in his insistence he deserved scorn and hatred.

“No. You just didn’t say,” Jace corrected. He gave Alec a tender look as he added, “And frankly I knew. Maybe not consciously but I always knew.”

Alec blushed in embarrassment at hearing that.

“I tried to stop loving you in that way, but I couldn’t,” Alec admitted anguished.

“Good,” Jace said softly, stroking Alec’s cheek tenderly.

Alec instinctively leaned into the touch, wanting more, needing more. It was bittersweet as he was sure the gesture was not meant in the romantic way Alec wanted but for a few seconds he wanted to believe it. Then his brain caught up with him. What had Jace just said?

“What?” Alec got out, confused and shocked, certain he had misunderstood, pulling a bit back to give Jace a puzzled look.

“I didn’t realize till I saw you jump from Magnus’ balcony that I love you. Not just as a parabatai but I am _in_ love with you too,” Jace admitted honestly, remembered pain and love shining in his eyes.

Alec just stared open-mouthed at him, completely taken back.

“You are?” Alec got out, shell-shocked.

Jace nodded as he gave Alec a fond smile as he replied affectionately, “Yes, I am.”

Alec tried to wrap his brain about what he was hearing but just couldn’t. Jace loved him? Really loved him? Like that? It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be happening.

“But Jace…you deserve so much better than this. Than me,” Alec reminded him in a small voice, looking down for a moment before finding the courage to look up and meet Jace’s eyes.

However, all Alec saw in Jace’s eyes were love and acceptance, making Alec have to fight tears of joy and relief.

“Alec, you are all I ever wanted or needed,” Jace swore emotionally, pulling him close by putting his hands on his hips.

“You don’t understand,” Alec whispered softly, biting his lower lip anxiously.

Alec avoided Jace’s eyes but still put his arms around his neck, needing, wanting, the support and the warmth.

“What don’t I understand?” Jace asked tenderly, cupping Alec’s face with a hand.

Alec briefly closed his eyes in pain as he admitted hoarsely, “I am…broken. Defective. I had one guy who wanted me, and I ruined it. I am toxic.”

“No, you’re not,” Jace denied firmly, shaking his head at him.

“Jace, please…” Alec started, fighting back tears of pain and self-loathing. “Just…find someone else. Someone worthy of the Herondale name. Worthy of you.”

“Alec, you are worthy,” Jace insisted strongly, tightening his grip on Alec’s chin to try and convey his feelings in the touch.

Alec couldn’t believe it, was unable to. As soon as Jace let go of his chin he shook his head.

“I’m not,” Alec denied as he averted his eyes, his voice a low mumble.

“You are to me,” Jace insisted firmly.

Alec sighed in frustration, not getting why Jace kept insisting on such nonsense.

“Jace, please don’t toy with me,” Alec begged, anguished, and pained.

“I would _never_!” Jace said strongly.

Jace gave him a tender smile and tipped Alec’s face up with a finger under his chin so they were eye to eye.

“I love you, Alec. I truly do,” Jace said emotionally, tears in the corners of his eyes.

The truth in Jace’s face, his voice, and the bond finally convinced Alec.

“You do?” Alec asked, astonished, having to fight tears himself.

Could it be true? Alec had dreamed of this for years. Could his dream really, finally, be coming true?!

“Yes,” Jace confirmed fondly, nodding. He paused, giving him a tender look before he added heartfelt, “And if you would love me back…You would make me _so_ happy.”

“Jace, I have always loved you. _Always_ ,” Alec admitted, breathless, awed.

Jace smiled joyfully at that as he moved closer and claimed Alec’s lips in what would be their first of many kisses. It was warm and tender, loving and kind. Private and intimate. Everything Alec’s kiss first kiss ever and first kiss with Magnus hadn’t been, making this kiss feel different in all possible ways.

Jace couldn’t help but smile when he drew back and saw Alec had closed his eyes for the kiss, making him look dazed and lovestruck when he did reopen them.

“You do know I am broken and defective too, right?” Jace cautioned, raising an eyebrow questioning at Alec when their eyes met again.

Alec gave him a shocked look and quickly shook his head.

“No, you’re not!” Alec protested firmly.

“Alec, I am flattered you have always thought I was capable of walking on water, but I am not perfect,” Jace reminded him ever so softly.

Alec’s whole expression softened and he rolled his eyes fondly at him as he replied, “Oh, _I know_ but you are to me in all ways that matter.”

“I have made mistakes in my life,” Jace reminded him in a dark voice. “Horrible mistakes. Made the wrong decisions and dealt with them in the worst possible way.”

“No! You did the best you could with the knowledge you had,” Alec protested strongly, stroking Jace’s cheek lovingly although a bit shyly, awed at finally being able to touch his lifelong crush in this way as he had dreamed of doing for so long.

Jace put his hand over Alec’s and leaned into the touch, enjoyed it, savored it.

“Alec, what I am trying to say is…can you love me as me?” Jace asked, his voice uncertain and emotional.

“Yes. Of course. Always,” Alec said softly at once, nodding, his eyes filled with certainty and strength. His expression got tender as he added, “I already do.”

Jace smiled joyfully at hearing that.

“Even though I am not perfect?” Jace warned, needing to be certain.

“Jace, you are perfect _to me_ ,” Alec repeated lovingly. He paused before he gave him a wry smile as he reminded him, “I am well aware of your flaws and shortcomings.”

Jace gave a small chuckle and Alec smiled at Jace’s amusement before he continued, “I love you not despite of them, but including them. I love _all_ of you, Jace.”

Jace had to fight tears at hearing that, feeling speechless and awed. For the first time in his life Jace was loved fully and completely; it was overwhelming. He had set out to save Alec from himself, but Alec had saved Jace right back.

“I love you too, Alec. Always,” Jace said emotionally, stroking Alec’s right cheek tenderly. “And to me you are perfect too.”

Alec blushed and shook his head slightly in denial, ensuring Jace’s hand stayed on his skin, wanting the contact.

“I’m not,” Alec protested embarrassed.

“You are and I will gladly spend the rest of my life convincing you,” Jace insisted lovingly, stroking his cheek gently once more.

“Then I shall do the same,” Alec swore, smiling warmly at him.

“Sounds like Heaven to me,” Jace admitted softly.

Alec beamed, unable to fully believe his dream had come true. He had always wanted to be loved heart and soul by the blond warrior he had given his everything to the moment he had met him, and he finally was. It was everything he had ever wanted and more.

“Likewise. Being with you is all I have ever dreamed of,” Alec admitted emotionally.

“I never knew you were the one I had always been looking for till I feared I had lost you. First then did I truly understand that I didn’t need to look for the complete and unconditional love I have always wanted; it was here before me all along,” Jace told him honestly, joyfully, smiling widely at him. “I love you.”

“I love you too. So much,” Alec promised, his voice warm and filled with emotions.

Their lips met in another kiss. A kiss filled with the promise of a better future, a new future, together. A future of shared burdens and healing. Of love and belonging. A future of finally having found the family and the love they had both always been searching for.

_The end_

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave a comment or kudos if you enjoyed the story. Would mean a lot to me.


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